Silent Nomad.

I'm at a point in my life where my back is against the wall. I've spend so much time wandering, not knowing where I'm going or why im even walking in that direction. It's time for this to end.

I need to get back to focusing my energy towards other things, towards other sources of energy. My life force has been pulled in so many directions that I don't even know the name of the path I was once destined to walk down. Success? Happiness? Money? These are all things I had at one point that have, much like everything else in my life, slipped through my fingers. No longer. I will now take control of this destiny and not allow those close to me, far from me and right in front of my face to shape my destiny for me.

I've asked all of the others for advice not realizing that they too do not hold the answers - they are merely relating their own shadows of misfortune to mine. I do not wish to appear "depressed" for I am not - I just feel a great weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if the blinders are being pulled from my eyes and I no longer have to suffer from tunnel vision. If I wish to make something of myself in this society we live in, I will have to assume responsiblity for my own actions and stop allowing myself to be pampered and comfortable with my current setting.

I am TIRED of others looking to me as a model of perfect achievement, for I merely exist. I get by through the assistance of my family and I get high to elude the reality of things not being half of what they seem. There was a time where I could allow this recreational lifestyle to continue, however my time is now up. I am 24, living with my grandmother, unemployed and not enrolled in school. On the outside looking in, I have NOTHING going for me. However, I am no different from you - I just do not allow life's strains and constraints to keep me from shining and being as flourescent as I will always be. Things tend to roll off of me, but not this. This is becoming too regular...too often am I chastized for not being enough of a man - yet I'm looked upon as an angel. I put my faith in God and he has yet to let me down, so with him my faith shall remain. I only pray that he give me the strength to perservere so that I may prove all of my doubters wrong.

This future is MINE to command, and command it I shall.

No more talking now, only movement. Silence is GOLDEN.

Secret Crush: Leah Remini

Yeah, yeah - I know she's married...but so am I. She's still frickin' HOT tho.

Catch Up, Katsup.

Hey, you. It's been awhile. How YOU doin'? LOL - I admire Wendy Williams.

It's about 4:45am here @ Ree-Ree's and I'm awake watching Koyaanisqatsi (I love this movie, I should watch it waaaaay more) on YouTube this Monday morning.

Ahhh. Monday morning. I draw in a big whiff of the fresh air knowing that I will gladly be inserting my foot in someone's rectum if I am not paid tomorrow or given a plausable explanation as to why my last two checks were "direct deposited" without my acknowledgement or consent.

Oh yeah, BTW - I got a JOB if you didn't notice. Another goal scratched off of the "goals" list.

I now work at an alcohol warehouse called Empire Merchants based in Brooklyn. It's a bit of a trek and being that I'm a Night Loader, I work during the late night hours. There are days when I punch in at 6:30pm and don't leave until 9:30 the next morning. The work is REAL labor (lifting boxes, carrying wooden palletes, etc) but it's quite rewarding. The people I work with are real cool, manly folks who would rather encourage you to stick it out (pause) and finish your job out completely rather than throwing in the towel, but that doesn't mean that this job isn't competitive in nature.

The workers that are lazy and slow and that complain usually don't last long, and being that the company operates on an "as they need you" basis, you're not always guaranteed to work. You have a quota of cases to finish by the end of your shift and if your co-workers in your lane choose to leave early, you are then stuck doing the bulk of the work. However, this is one of the BEST jobs I've EVER been fortunate to have and it's helping my progression in a lot of areas in my life. It can be physically straining at times, but that physical strain has only helped me realize how much I've been physically stagnant over the years and how now is the perfect time in my life to start training my body to be healthier, stronger and overall better.

Thank you Kesed, for putting me on to such a DOPE opportunity, as well as opening my eyes about alot of life's lessons - mainly on accepting responsiblity and living your life working to achieve comfortablity within your own excellence. That dude Kesed is a WISE dude - kind of the diamond in the rough that just kinda floated right by me at first, but with a second glance I've realized how complex and intuitive he really is. Thank you for seeing the talent in me and not putting me in the "mindless money-hungry nigga" box.

*sigh* What else...what else...well, I'm 24 years old now, and while I have damn near another quarter of a century left before I'm "over the hill", I will say that the hill is in eye range. It's crazy but until now, I didn't really feel old. I ran away from responsiblity and maturity for so much of my adolescent and early-adult years that my fading youth kinda just snuck up on me. All the "DAMN! You gettin' OLD!" and "Ohh lawd! Josh isn't our little baby anymore..." remarks don't really help, either. I can't jump around obstacles and hop over ledges and fences like I used to and when I do something strenuous or physically out of my range, I feel it ALL-OVER. Even skating (which I'm back into heavily now that I've got myself a NEW SKATEBOARD - my first Element deck, baby - whoooooo!) It might be the job that's wearing on my body, but it's also buiding me up alot - lookin' all buff and stuff helps my confidence as well as my self-esteem.

Didn't do too much for the birthday this year, just had some fun out on the town with Ree and the boys (Frank and Z). My mom is up here visiting until August, so we've been hanging out alot together. I'm glad my mother sees me as the child she raised so well morally as well as the adult with the ability to live my life prosperously on my own. My grandmother will ALWAYS have this preconcieved notion that I am still her prepubescent grandson who she must shield from any harm, but I know this is only because she loves me so much. Love you too, gramma.

What else, what else...OH YEAHHH!! WE GOT A KITTY!! *jumps* Yes, yes, yes...after a good three weeks trying to secure the kitten with us (the owner didn't want to let her go - I don't blame him, the kitten is ADORABLE) the owner finally turned her over to us so we could welcome her into our home. She is an IRRESITABLE orange tabby named Blanket (in honor of MJ - I know I haven't talked about his passing yet, but I will) and she has taken to us and her new home VERY well. It will be almost a week since she's been here, but she already knows her way around the house, knows where her litter box is and uses it and is just overall a really smart and intuitive cat (wow - guess that's my word for the night...INTUITIVE...). 

MJ. Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Whatever you want to call him, Michael Jackson was an anomaly which we will never completely have the innocence and purity to understand. This is not to say that Michael was completely pure and angelic, no. Yet, it was his perfect balance and equalities and inequalites, perfections and imperfections that made him such an unmatchable force. When I heard the news of his passing, I thought a co-worker was playing a cruel joke. Before I had left the house that afternoon I was listening to the radio, and Wendy Williams was referring to someone (i couldn't hear the name) in cardiac arrest and possibly in a coma, and I just left the house saying to myself "Damn, these celebs are dropping FAST. I hope whoever it is they'll be okay..." and I left the house without even a thought that it could be Michael Jackson or that Michael had possibly been on his way out of this plane of existence.

After the idiot joker at my job (he says "I heard your cousin died and you cried." referring to MJ - SMH @ lame Italian humor) says this, again - I shake it off like, "Nah. This is just rumors. There's always some new bullshit out there. Maybe they got it confused with Farrah Fawcett." I was already sad that Farrah was gone, but (sad to say) it was only a matter of time with her. We knew she was in a battle with cancer, and that's a battle that most don't win. It was just holding on to a fleeting hope and a dream of a beautiful exit at that point. I'm sorry she and her guyfriend didn't get married like they had hoped to, but I guess it wasn't supposed to work that way.

I got to work that night and as the night went on, nothing but Michael was played on each station. It was then where it started to sink in for me. Michael is...dead...? Damn. This ain't real...that's all I kept telling myself...this ain't real, this ain't real...

My shift ended and Kesed and I walked to the L train, but stopped in a store on the way there to pick up the paper and get their coverage of the story. I still was skeptical inside, almost like I wanted it to be a bad dream and me not seeing him on the cover would be like me waking up from it. Then I read headline of the Daily News only to see the words "KING OF POP DEAD" in bold, white letters - placed upon a background of a glitter-gloved Michael reaching up towards the sky while singing his heart out. It was at that moment where I finally accepted that he was truly gone.

I spent the next few days immersed in the media coverage as well as sinking in the disbelief that he was dead. My mind had quickly gone to tribute mode, because that was a form of healing for me. While sleeping, I had come up with the idea of making an MJ stencil where I would paint his image all over town, specifically this blue wooden wall adjacent to The Apollo. I wanted to fill the whole wall with replicates of the stencil, but hadn't even come up with the design yet. I was up and at work early for some reason (I had gotten to work on the stencil as soon as I woke up), and had first had the idea of making a stencil with Michael's face as a child. However, the more I looked at it , the more the idea didn't stick with me. I scoured the net looking for MJ images and came across one with him in his "Smooth Criminal" get-up, caught in mid-lean as done in the infamous video for "Smooth Criminal". I studied it a few times, played with it in Photoshop until I got it monochrome and then stepped away from it. Yup. This is it. This is the one. I had said that out loud and my mom (who was sitting nearby watching the news) agreed. "Yeaaaah...now THAT'S the one, Josh..."

Focused and dead-set on making this happen, I called Ree and Z to ask for their assistance in the project. I printed the image at Ree's house, cut the first stencil there, then after purchasing one can of flat white Touch & Tone spray paint, traveled to the blue wall near the Apollo to start my work. I was supposed to be on my way back to the house to meet up with my mom the see our cousin Pat, but this project was calling out to me. I felt the unresistable urge to start and complete this project, so I just went with it. My mom wasn't too happy at first that I was ditching our original plans, but I couldn't deal with that then. I was focused and determined to get started and that I did, setting the stencil up against the board and starting to paint.

Now, there was already a decent gathering of people outside of the Apollo at this time, but I didn't want to make much of a scene by doing this because I wasn't sure what the cops would say. Well, I didn't need to make a scene, because the scene came to me...I'd say after the 2nd stencil was on the wall, about 3 different photographers rushed me and started taking pictures of me painting the stencil on the wall. I felt so happy seeing them there because I knew my heart was in the right place with this one. More people started to gather and I could hear them behind me saying "WOW - now THAT's dope..." and "Is that Michael Jackson? WOW - what a GREAT work of art...". By the 8 or 9th stencil the stencil had become damp and useless (it was only on one sheet of paper - printer paper no less), and I had ran to get started on another one to finish my work.

It started POURING (and when I say pouring, I mean the sky had about a trillion Super Soakers aimed at the earth) so we rushed inside a nearby Manna's where they were playing "Thriller" and watched the storm come down. It was an eerily fitting soundtrack to the storm which just seemed to grow ever more fierce (I think I saw some HAIL? hmmm). By the time the storm calmed, we used that break to run back to the house and get started on the next stencil.

While at home working on the next stencil to use, I was listening to radio play Michael's hits as well as interviews with fans at various locations paying homage to Michael and his legacy. The radio show host had them play an interview with a fan at the Apollo who said some really touching words about Michael and who had begun to weep while she was speaking, and it was at that very moment when it TRULY hit me. I hadn't cried the whole day and a half after hearing Michael had passed away, but just hearing the sound of her voice explan how much Michael meant to her as she cried was enough to break down that inner-wall I had created, telling myself I couldn't or wouldn't cry anymore - and I started to sob uncontrollably.

All of the emotions of how I felt when listening to his music or watching him perform, seeing him deal with all of the media's disgusting accusations and portrayal of his character and how he didn't give in to any of it just rushed over me in that moment. It was then that I realized that the world had not just lost another celebrity; we had lost on of the most wonderful humanitarians and performers to ever grace the world with his prescence. I cried and cried, partially sad for the loss, but more happy that he was now where he belonged and thankful for all that he did and acomplished while he was here with us. I hadn't cried in what seemed like years, so for his death to invoke such emotion from me was a release I had needed for a long time. I had felt as if I just lost someone close to me and someone I knew well. I didn't feel as if some celebrity had just died, or that "it was just his time", because to me, it wasn't.

I wasn't ready for him to leave us, just like most of the world wasn't. We looked at Michael Jackson as something MORE than human, a being that was untouchable by death and unscathable by slander. However, Michael was just as human as any of us and it took his death for us to understand that he wasn't a god or an angel so to speak, he just was himself so well and so purely that we built him up to be more than what he was. Which is also why the media was so quick to tear him down, because they couldn't fathom the notion that he could be "human" and be so perfect with his imperfections. I cried so much because Michael was one of the few people left that I admired for just living thier life selflessly for others as well as himself. He used his powers for good and never sold out for a paycheck. His music not only brought people together, but it laid the groundwork for people to want to achieve more. The first multi-platinum selling record, the first fully-choreographed video, his life-changing messages in his music - all these are his staples of pushing the envelope and being real behind everything he did.

It's getting late (early? LOL) and I'm beginning to get tired, so I'll end this entry on that note. Michael Jackson was the BEST to EVER do what he's done and there will NEVER be another like him. I'll catch up with you kittens in the later hours...

-H

Get Wild, Wild, Wild!

I dunno...I love Dilla with all my heart, but it's hard to choose sides on this one.

All I can say is that - yes. Better avenues should've been taken on this. Dilla would never produce my LP from the grave, but I believe in being INFLUENCED by him.

*ahem*

INFLUENCED.

If you've known Charles as long (or as short? - no homo) as I have, you just come to expect all of these cosmic, otherworldy, sonic/sun-ra-ish ideas he can come up with. He's a mainiac-brainiac rapper cat who is just assured in the style of living he's created. No one can "bust his pink bubble" so to speak, because there's no pink bubble there. So - I say let him believe that a vinyl element added to his sound is an "influence" from J Dilla. Of course - in all eyes of the law this does not constitute J Dilla inhibiting a 'Executive Producer' slot on CH's album. He knows this - he just wanted to test how far he could let you in his "pink bubble" - BZZZT!!

Charles Hamilton - that sir, is where you messed up.

Humble thine self! I speak through the blog because even as a human being in the flesh on this earth I cannot communicate to you through speech. You are too far gone. Don't allow fear to allude you from being a humble individual! It works!

*sigh* I love Dilla. I won't say I always did, because a large part of my life I didn't know dude. But I knew that sound and loved that sound - and if you're trying to say that by giving him props on your album, cool. Just go about it a better way. Don't trap yourself in a corner with lies, it's NOT a good look.

J Dilla: Beat Savior

Call me old-fashioned I guess, but nothing is better to me than coolin' out on an weekend afternoon, smokin' a blunt and listening to Dilla beats. I have my reserved theories when it comes to religion and whatnot, so I won't bother bending your mind with those. (if your one of those religious freaks that can't quite handle a transcendual comparison please stop reading this) However - while listening to some Dilla joints this afternoon, I was feeling regretful that I never once got to meet the dude, but it still seems as if I've known him my whole life.

Then it hit me.

J Dilla was Hip-Hop's Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ was supposedly a carpenter who just happened to make miracles, right? Constantly building and constantly teaching others to enjoy life for what it is, not what the kings and queens were trying to make of it...he was an social outcast, yet appreciated by the few who truly understood his message and purpose. Alas, like Dilla - his work was only fully appreciated after his tragic (and early) death.

I feel as if Dilla had to bear the cross when it came to Hip-Hop (real hip-hop, yall), because his style wasn't always accepted...especially not through mainstream. This is the same bullshit any REAL artist would have to deal with, because the mainstream controls so much of where you go and how many people are exposed to your talents. Mainstream even then had the audacity to finally bend towards Dilla's sound, but chose not to give him any credit WHATSOEVER. It wasn't until he was reunited with the earth that people started realizing the body of work he left behind and how he had NEVER stopped working, even until his last days on earth - making beats in ICU, on his death bed.

It's always the great ones who go unnoticed, but is it because we choose not to notice their greatness - or is it because we have taught ourselves to be completely oblivious to all that is great, so that when a miracle occurs its seems almost unbelievable? Dilla didn't just create music - he created miracles. Soul-shaking, heart-taking, spirit-captivating miracles. I will NEVER be able to do what Dilla has done, all I can do is learn from what he has given me - something I had in my soul my whole childhood, from the day I was born.

It's a shame I came up on Dilla so late, because I liked Dilla's stuff before I even knew who Dilla was - that's how much of an impact on my life his music made. I had been hearing Dilla my WHOLE LIFE and didn't even know it. The same vibe, the same swing you get when you hear a Dilla joint - that vibe has been in my bloodstream my whole life...

...so to me, Dilla is like a brother I never knew, or very similar to Jesus in alot of ways. Here today, gone tomorrow - but they live on forever through the lessons they've left for us. I guess it's up me and the folks who actually care out there to progress and move forward - to do what we love so that we may too leave something behind worthwhile for the future generations to appreciate.

Dilla, I'll meet you someday.
And when I do - I'm twistin' one up while you're diggin' in the crates.
(can you believe Madlib and Jay once had a 30 blunt cypher? craaaaazy...)

-H

PS: Totally off topic, but Cam'ron's new album is kinda dope. Like REALLY dope. Harlem, all day. ;)

Artists I'd Like To Work With (Here and Posthumous)

Since this topic always takes a "Fantasy Football" approach, I figured I'd give it a whirl accompanied with a slight explanation for each collaboration.

J-Dilla (obvious reasons; it would be more of a learning session on my end tho)
Madlib (blunted in the bomb shelter; crate diggin; b2b DJing)
Busta Rhymes (lyricist; old-school; pure energy; realist)
Chrisette Michelle (modern day Billie Holiday; fly; soulful)
Kanye West (idealist; thinker; natural genius; acts on emotion)
Common (realist; old-school; resemblance (?))
Ol' Dirty Bastard (spirited; unique; good-natured; lyricist; wild)
Eminem (talented; lyricist; realist; crazy; limitless)
Flying Lotus (adviser; kindred affection for video games; b2b DJing)
MF Doom (blaze trees; adviser; crate diggin')
Danger Mouse (funky; limitless; b2b DJing; crate-diggin)
Jamiroquai (funky; soulful; expressive; blunted; preserver)
Kurt Cobain (leader of expression; acts on emotion; idealist)
Dibiase (beatsmith; crate diggin')
Black Milk (beatsmith; b2b DJing; crate diggin)
Fatboy Slim (adviser; b2b DJing; crate-diggin)
Georgia Anne Muldrow (spacey; afro-centric; expressive; limitless)
Jill Scott (fly; good-natured; rooted; fun; inner-beauty)
Pharell (business minded; precise; fun yet efficient)
Nas (prophet; thinker; wordsmith; purist)
Slick Rick (dope; lyricist; character; realist)
Q-Tip (realist; lyricist; humble; multi-talented)
Christopher Wallace (lyricist; realist; adviser)
9th Wonder (beatsmith; adviser; old-school; b2b DJing)
James Brown (innovator; soul-power; selfless)
DJ Shadow (innovator; true-artistry)
Liam Howlett (multi-talented; advisor; b2b DJing)
Styles P (old school; realist; hardest out)

That's all I can come up with right now. I'm sure I'll be adding more as time goes on.

MajesticallyModest.

Humility is such a difficult virtue to obtain, yet it is one of the most valuable treasures life has to offer.

This world turns ever so fast.
Haven’t posted in a few, only because so much has been going on. What exactly? Too much to sit here and write about right now, so I’ll just go into what I logged on here to rant about.

I love how the truth is coming to light now that “industry” artists are now outing the industry for what it is.

SHADY!

The SAME industry everyone wants me to break ground in, the same industry that cuts the big checks and makes all the decisions regarding YOUR future as an artist on THEIR label. Basically, I’ve come to the decision that while I would have no trouble producing a track for a major label artist, I myself won’t be signing ANY papers to join a major label. I enjoy the freedom and versatility that comes with being an indie artist so much that I can’t ever see myself giving that up for the mental and creative “shackles” that would accompany a few extra zeroes.
I wish I could help my family and friends see that point clearer, but the only way I can truly accomplish this goal is by making it as an independent artist and living truly happy.

The thing these record label execs have to realize about me (and I’m sure I’ll make it abundantly clear once I get in the position to do so) is that I am a man of simple pleasures and hospitality. All I need is a home (not a HOUSE – but a home) and my own space to make music/perform, and it would be all I ever ask for. With the revenue my music would generate, I would do things like create beat making seminars and DJ lessons/sessions so that teens and aspiring musicians could learn how to make music and truly find their own sound. I was making music before I learned how to DJ, but when I actually started attending a DJ class – I found a home away from home. I would want to give BACK if anything – and as long as I have a constant supply of food, a stylish way to get around (never would I blow more than $100,000 on a car) and a roof over my head, I’m GOOD.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m sure I’ll be quite content with releasing an LP on a Stones Throw or Nature Sounds type of label. Yes, I know this limits the audience that is exposed to my work – but I kind of like it that way. When I first heard of Dilla, MF Doom and Madlib – I had to FIND them, but I had heard their style of music all my life. This special sound that you identify with that (as an artist) makes you say to yourself “Yes. This is what I’ve been looking for my whole life. This is the music I WISH I could make”. That’s the same feeling I hope to reciprocate in others when listening to my music. I feel as if I would be watering myself down if I aspired to be the “Next Hit” maker or if I attempted to tailor my sound to meet a generalized standard. Not my style at all.

Anywhoo, life has been good and busy. Spending a lot more time with my girlfriend (quality time at that) and it’s causing me to reconsider the fashion in which I live. I am nearing twenty four years of existence on this plane, and wifey is nearing twenty three. We love our family and most importantly we care about the family we live with dearly. However, as our relationship progresses and as time goes on (we’ll be TWO years on July 14th! WHOOOOOOO!) I’ve begun to re-evaluate our current living situation.

A little monkey (yes – not a monkey wrench, but the whole monkey) has been thrown in the “comfortable” gears that is my life at home, and that monkey is none other than my mom. Hah! I know, right? That’s fucked up, H…but no, all jokes aside – my mom is coming up in June and I don’t know exactly when (or if) she’s going to bounce (damn - I should be looking forward to my mom coming up more earnestly. I miss her and my sis to death and I'm always excited to see her, I just know that with me being unemployed and constantly in and out of the house, we're going to be breathing down each other's neck).

Anyway – it’s already enough that my grandmother and I share a TV so when she wants to watch something, I’m usually making plans to be somewhere else – but now my MOM is coming up to stay (and possibly bringing my sister) and while I love my mom and my sis with ALL of my heart – ummm, I’m going to have to figure something out – FAST.

As much as I hate the workforce and ANY form of corporate labor, I feel this is my only exit strategy until something better comes along. I need to start looking at my future as something that is impending rather than I dream waiting to come true. I’ve spent almost a year being lazy and inactive as far as obtaining a new occupation is concerned, and with the economy in the state of disrepair that it is – I’m honestly scared to return to the workforce. Yet, in order to meet the personal and creative goals I have set for myself, I need to just bear down and bite the bullet on this one. Yeah, yeah – I’m an ARTIST – blah, blah, NATURAL TALENTS.

Yeah. Wish I could get an apartment with just talent.

The day they start givin’ away these $2,000 a month condos based on how well you can make a beat, sign me the fuck up. Until then, I guess I’ll keep being a optimistic dreamer in an modest reality.

-H

Royal Reality Checks

Yo.
First off, what up.
It's been awhile.

I'm going to stop issuing Reality Checks to people who can't cash them. I do that alot, which is why (essentially) I keep my opinions (checks) to myself.

Hmmm! Got alot to catch up on...

Let's seeee...ummm...got my Tax Refund which was complete shite because the WHOLE thing hasn't even come in yet. Fuckin' stimulus. I LOVE how those ritzy white folk get bailed out with the quickness, but it's always a waiting game with the common man.

Anyway, it was fun while it lasted.
Some good came from it, I got Resident Evil 5 for the 360 and TRUUUUUUUUST me, shit is DOPE. I wasn't in the least bit disappointed (storyline had me laughin' - they bit off of everything from Gears to The Matrix) and it helps that my girlfriend LOVES Resident Evil. I installed RE3 on her computer awhile back and she was killin' it! She's not a fan of the 360 controls (blame my earlier Halo days for me being so used to the XBOX control scheme - believe me, it was weird for me too at first), so that and getting a game she actually would become immersed in was always an ordeal. With RE5 tho, she does everything herself and all I do is watch and occasionally help. It always makes me smile and feel like I've met my companion when we share a connection doing something we BOTH enjoy.

Yeah, son.
So yeah, I got that, another memory card and the new GOW2 maps.
See - this is what makes people HATE Xbox/Microsoft.
Not even the fact that it's probably the least popular of the "Big Three" (PS3/Wii/360), but because you have to pay for EVERYTHING. Add-Ons? Gotta pay for 'em. Full internet capability? You payin' for dat.
I frickin bought Resident Evil 5 one day, bought a Microsoft 1600 points card for $20, purchased the new GOW2 maps and wasted ALL my points, then the very NEXT day they issue a Versus Add-On for RE5 for 400 points. WHAAAAT?! I was FURIOUS. I woulda bought that Versus add-on if it had came out sooner instead of those dumbass maps that half of the time i can't play because my GOW2 disc is all of a sudden "unreadable"...Uggggh.

Altogether, that ran me about $100 roughly. Out of $300? Hah. That was my little treat to myself, because I knew I couldn't spread that money. $300 is about the amount I wanted to spend on getting my CD duplicated (AerosolHeart), so once that went belly-up I just decided to have fun with it. We saw my dude Q and his Girl (and his little daughter! que lindo! she is sooooooo adorable...little tiny thing full of life and wonder...) and winded up blowing money on 42nd street at Applebees (one place I NEVER will feel obligated to go to again...X THAT...the whole Forty Deuce strip can kiss my ass, because shit is WAAAAAAY too X-Spensive down in them parts of town...) then we got the crazy idea to go downtown and look for tattoos and piercings, so we headed to the village and my girlfriend got a nice "snakebite" by her lip.

I wanted a tattoo of the GOW symbol (a gear), but the dude first wanted to charge me $85 for it, then when he sketched it out - it was too small and I told him i wanted it to cover my whole bicep, he raised the price to $120. My girl felt some sort of way (which in turn made me overthink the situation, which was good because I was going off of drunken instinct) and it wasn't THAT hot of a sketch, so I decided against it. Good thing I did, because now I remember that I wanted the Gears symbol with the wings on the side.

So, between cabbin it, coppin trees, gettin hammered on drinks and feeding myself - the rest of the money kinda just evaporated.

The April Fools

Okee doke. In the cab w/ CH on the way to the cop spot. Yes, there is NO weed man in West Bumbafuck so we must venture into the big city for the big score. LOL.

Seems like the gossip of everyday existence still effects those who are anxious enough to stoke that fire. Shame, because all the Miss Info's and Karen Civil's in the world will never possess the very thing that they sought after...and that thing is RAW talent. Now really. In all seriousness. A WALE and Charles Hamilton beef? That's like Kid Cudi beefin wit Drake. Its unbelievable how these non-industry people try to create friction with new up-and-coming artists. Can we let them drop an ALBUM first before we start this hypothetical shit?

I'm glad CH is a heartfelt dude, because rather then black and murder someone who just got caught up in the moment (ahem Soulja Boy ahem) he decided to be a man and confront dude on the phone with Karen on the line so he could see the leech for who she is. Karen Civil, get a REAL job. Done.

Hangin' With The Hamiltons

Hey.

Reporting live from Mr, Hamilton's humble abode here in West Bumbafuck AKA Green Hill Zone, in the kitchen.
Bri and Ree are hooking up the ILLEST Chicken Parm - Charles is upstairs releasing "At Most I'm Just..." for all the world to hear...it's been a WONDERFULLY CRAZY last 3 days at this dude's crib...on some real WOODSTOCK shit.

Really dope.

So umm...back to reality. SOON. Until then, me and the REE are here blackin' out...

Sour Patch Tooth Grenades.

Dammit, dammity, damn damn damn. Of all the the things I procrastinate in doing, going to the dentist is the thing that I am paying for the most.

DEARLY.

I used to love candy as a kid. Candy and cakes. I started with the BS "common candy" as I like to call it...Bazooka Joe gum, Bubbaloo, the spanish "Gum Bol", Butterscotches from Grandma's Dish...and my love for candy just grew and grew.
I never came around to licorice candies, jelly beans and candy corn. YUCK...

...but when I found sour candy? What?! It was a WRAP.
Sour Apple Blow Pops (pause), Blu Raspberry Blow Pops (double pause), Cry Babies, Eye Poppers...they even had this like sour salt type of shit when I moved to Texas called Lucas (gotta google that see if it's still around), but my mom didn't want me eatin that shit because she said it was like salt. That shit was like eating Kool-Aid straight out the packet, son!

Point? I am nearing 24 and cannot fathom eating half of the candy I grew up loving.
I bought $1.25 worth of Sour Patch Kids Watermelon Slices, and got through about 3 of them. My teeth were on fire.

Bombs.

Little sticky, gummy grenades caught in the cracks and crevices of my teeth - exploding in a rush of pain from the cavity unknown.

They really try to warn ya when your young, kiddies.
"Dont' eat all that candy - you'll rot yer teeth out!"
You think, "How is that possible? Rot my teeth? I'd have to eat like 10lbs of sugar straight to rot MY teeth out..."

Nope. All you gotta do is have a sweettooth for about 20 years straight and you'll be wishin' you picked up a celery stick for every Sour Power/Twizzler you devoured...i know I am.

**UPDATE**

So I Googled that Lucas candy salt -ish, right? Turns out that they BANNED that shit because it contained dangerous levels of lead...and I used to EAT that shit! You can read about it here...damn Mexicans and their fucked up candy!

Off The RADAR.

Sometimes, I'll wake up in the morning and want to rip the phone jack out of the wall.

SERIOUSLY.

If it aint TELEMARKETERS wakin' me up at the crack of ass (when I should theoretically be allowed to sleep through most of the day), it's clients, friends, associates and so on.

LEAVE ME BE, I SAY!!

I don't wish to be perceived as a snob, or snobbish. That isn't even my style. I just can't be all "hop to it" like everyone wants me to be. This time period is reminiscent to the summer of 2007 when everybody wanted a piece of H2. When there wasn't a day I could spend by myself, because every circle was pulling me every which way. While I admire being the one always considered for the hang-outs and the get-togethers, sometimes I just need to blend with the shadows for awhile.

This time around, I'm setting my OWN standard.

I will no longer be a victim of the "push&pull" of obligations. I feel that once you are "obligated" to do something, it's like making a promise with that person that you will always be there to get them out of a jam. Nah.

As an artist with talent, you have to realize that talent for what it's worth.

Too many times have I fallen prey to the "obligation" of having to help someone I know, or someone who knows someone that enjoys what I do. These people never come up to me with blank checks like, "Yo H! I'm diggin' ur style, fam! How much do YOU want for that beat?". Never would they. They expect you to help them out until they break out of the same situation you're in as a struggling artist (that's the excuse half of the time - "Yo, you know I would pay you but time's is rough right now...but don't worry tho, I got you when we make it...just keep workin wit me...")

...and all I can do is laugh, really. These kids are actual PERFORMERS and actually get PAID on the regular. I don't have a job or a gig for that matter. They do at LEAST a show a week and see no less than $50 for that show. Now what THEY do with their money is truly on THEM, but where does H2 fit in the equation? RARELY does an artist come out of pocket for my beats (i think the most I ever got from a beat was $20 and 3 bags of Kush), and i'm starting to realize that $10 a session isn't really worth all of the stress that creating music for individuals entails. Nah.

Spoke to Charles on the phone yesterday and it was like talking to a therapist while being a therapist. He is easily misunderstood (as am I) so it's always a joy to talk to him because he is usually helping me put my own fears at ease.

I'm glad he still reaches out because he feels like I understand him (I do a good 85% of the time...I wish I could be as far out in space and time as dude is). He's on the way back from SXSW, and dude is as humble as humble can be. I love it. I remember when he used to just FLOOD us with new shit and we'd be like "Alright! Alright! We know you doin ya thing, Charles!", but now it's like trying to open Pandora's Box to get him to reveal some new shit...he's so coy and humble about his life now, and it's great to see him living his life remotely stress free considering all he's been through. I'd like to think that I had a hand in teaching him some of those lessons, but I won't bother to take credit. ;)

So, back to Squared One. Yeah, I know you're not supposed to start a sentence with SO and it's "Square One". SO what? It's my bloggy and I'll blog how I want to. :)
I wanna say (for the record) that this isn't me being selfish. This is me being self-righteous. I have to have more respect for myself and my craft before I can have others respect it for what it truly is.

Deuces.

Aiight, aiight, aiight...

...so perhaps I was wrong about the white boy?
Perhaps...

Suu-Suu-STUDIO!

I need a studio now. Like, BADLY.

Saturday morning I woke up around 9am for a 11am appointment at a Wonderful Music Studios in SoHo. I've been in studios before. This wasn't my first "studio-experience".
However, I've never felt as comfortable in a studio like I've felt in this one.

I met up with Justin (Pop) @ the studio, and the peeps we were supposed to meet weren't there. Okay. Cool.

"I'm actually kinda calm." Pop says, and I agree with him. I've been put through these "at the door, almost getting the okay to go through it" situations so many times already, that I've lost that inital "nervous anticipation" or "first jitters". We took a stroll real quick to a nearby Halal truck and Pop picked us up some ginger ales to keep us from being parched. We came back to the studio and waited around for a bit, starting to think that we had arrived too early, when this skinny Caucasian fella strolls up like, "Hi, I'm Dan - you guys here to meet with *** about a session?". We agree, and he invites us in.

Now, I had already had my reservations about the studio in my head.
Like most studios, it's a naturally quiet environment that is meant to perfect one's sound in an artificial manner. I usually object to that artificiality because it affects the way I make music. Or at least that's what I used to feel like. This place changed my whole perspective on a "studio experience".

As he's telling us to relax and get comfortable, I notice three things that put my soul at ease immediately.

1: A box full of that good-ole 1960's-1970's thrift shop purchased vinyl.
2: Two turntables, a mixer and what looks to me like Serato Scratch LIVE.
3. A Flatscreen TV hooked up to a Nintendo Wii.

Dan is one of the coolest engineers I've EVER met. I hate when you go in a studio or a studio-like setting and it seems as if the person helping you has your overall intentions in mind, yet is trying to do their job so efficiently that they take on the project as their own, rather then a unity of ideas. I sensed NONE of that from Dan, quite frankly I found that Dan was open to a lot of ideas and we were able to vibe on a musical level very quickly.

We didn't even jump right into the music.
We played some RE4 (Resident Evil 4 for you n00bs) for awhile, listened to some Middle-Eastern vinyl for sample inspiration, and then I inquired about Serato (the latest reason to make you throw away all of your vinyl...lol nah nah, I would NEVER do that) because I never used it before. I've seen DJ's KILL it with Serato, and I always wanted to f**k wit it, just never was around a Serato set for that long and didn't have the $500 to buy it.

Dan starts out by blending some Electro and showing me the ins and outs of the program, then lets me give it a whirl.

Man, let me tell you.
I have not felt that alive with the music since I left The Door and Recess. (for those that don't know, The Door is a community center right below the high school I used to attend where I learned to DJ by going to afterschool classes...and Recess was my first "real" gig, where I would spin Drum n' Bass music every Wednesday night until the wee hours of the morning...)

After spinning together for about 20 minutes or so, Dan was really feeling my DJ style and even invited me to DJ his birthday party coming up this week.

Flattered was I? Yes.
I hadn't even DJed a full 30min set, we just were B2Bing it (back to back) and he was diggin' it. Cool. That's when I realized that DJing is something I will NEVER lose. It will ALWAYS be in my heart to DJ, because that's where this whole obsession with music started.

It stared when I was 3 years old and my mom had bought me a Fisher Price turntable for Christmas. (i need to Google that again to show yall what it looked like - it was SOOOOO tuff!)

I didn't quite know it then, but I knew I loved to play different records and I knew that playing with the speed of the sound was fun too. My love for Hip-Hop would later on have me making mixes in my head. Life would soon cast me into the arms of a father-figure who actually let me experiment with his turntables on a few occassions. (lol - now my dad wouldn't wanna battle me in a mixdown - i would tear him UP!)

Point? Even though the meeting was essentially a "bust", I still gained a lot out of it. It helped revive my love of spinning as well as ignite a new flame of desire...to aquire my OWN studio so that I can have as much fun doing what I love on the REGULAR!

*sigh* Good times...

PS: This is what my first turntable used to look like:

I Guess School Isn't THAT Bad...

(Shouts to B. Yung)

This has made me feel completely small.
Thank you, Ryan Leslie.
Thank you for making me see how an MBA in Music is ACTUALLY something worth shooting for.
Watch and learn, n00bs.



*blown*

The Science of A Black Man's Suicide

So, today I'm checking HipHopDX as usual (thanks Brian), and I stumble upon a headline in relation to "King Tut" of the 730 Dips.

Really don't know who he is like that (these Dipset niggas have like 20 different branches of nigga legislature...Purple City Byrdgang, Skull Gang, 730 Dips...etc.) but It shocked me to read that he had recently commited suicide.

First thought. Damn. Another black man lost? To himself? FUCK...

I read the article further and made a decent post that I'll share with ya:

**from HipHopDX**

730 Dips Affiliate Commits Suicide In Police Standoff
March 18th, 2009 | Author: Allen Jacobs

Darnell "King Tut" Brittingham's battle with the law ended yesterday, after a troubled 2009. Last month, the 730 Dips affiliate was arrested on February 12 for drug charges, as well as connected to another felony stabbing crime one day later.

Yesterday (March 17), in North Elsmford, New York, Brittingham shot himself in a taxi cab, as police patrol cars began to surround the wanted suspect. Hackensack police, the New Jersey department where Brittingham had outstanding warrants, is assisting in the case, says New Jersey's Courier Post Online.

Per reports, the rapper and perceived Freekey Zekey [click to read] affiliate was leaving a motel with a female companion in the taxi. As police approached and demanded the driver and two fares leave the vehicle, Brittingham stayed behind, firing a semi-automatic hand gun once. He was dead when police entered the cab.

As late as last night, police were waiting to confirm the deceased. As the suspect at the time of incident, reports are strongly suggesting that it is indeed Brittingham.

No members of 730 Dips have yet to comment on the situation.

**

I read further down to see a comment made by a Dyce Lo:

R.I.P. to any and all of my brothers and sisters. THIS IS definatly sad. yet i must say as a 20 year old blackman. who has been in and out the system since 11. yes 11 years old. i can understand dude going out how he did. jail/prison. thats a coffin where u are awake. and for a convicted felon wit a new beat. plus you affiliated wit a rapper. its curtains.


please remember suicide is the highest in the black community out of all races.

and he is not the first[nor last artist] to commit suicide. any one feeling suicidal; please talk to someone first. someone who cares.

artists who died from sucide;
KING TUT
HALF A MIL[THE FIRM; DROPPED 2 SOLO LP'S]
KRS 1 SON
X-1 [STICKY FINGAZ BROTHER-ONYX]
OL DIRTY BASTERD
KURT COBAIN
NO ONE WANTS TO SAY IT; BUT PIMP C

PEACE

Now I respect dude's post. Yes, it started out well...he just made a few "errors". While correcting him, I made a very insightful post:

@ Dyce Lo:

Aiight, aiight. Before I even get in on this subject, lemmie make a quick correction. ODB did NOT commit suicide - he swallowed a deadly amount of crack/cocaine in efforts to escape more jail time, but it winded up killing him.

Umm...SUICIDE? No. SUICIDE is the act of one willingly taking their own lives. Not accidental overdose. PIMP C? Another overdose case. Why would PIMP C want to end his life when it was going so well? Wouldn't he have just killed himself in JAIL? *ahem*

================

Now back to this "King Tut" character.

Depression is a real disease, a SILENT killer at that. When that cloud is hanging over you, suicide can seem like the only option. For anyone considering that option, I will say first hand that it isn't even worth the thought. I tried it and failed and I couldn't be more happy that I'm alive today to type this. Things DO get better.

I don't know what was going on in dude's life, nor do I care really. He had a few run-in's with the law, but at the end of the day - the society we live in is dog-eat-dog and is set-up for the downfall of most citizens, especially minorities.

If you come up in the hood in NY, "you either sling crack-rock or u got a wicked jump-shot". Biggie was NOT far off. You cannot perpetuate the stereotype by doing the same dumb shit everyone around you is doing.

It's hard to avoid the temptation. You watch the hustlers get rich, every other nigg-- is trying to be the next 50, Cam or whatever, and the real goals of actually making something of yourself are masked by the ideals of an easy come-up. Doin the "right" thing seems like 10x more effort than doing the wrong thing.


Now the last time I read something on here about this "King Tut" dude, he was going down off of traffikin bud. Okay, that's dumb - yes. Not dumb enough to end your own life, though.

I'm sure if he had someone in his corner telling him to actually make something of himself instead of hanging around with all of these fuck-heads (who probably won't even front the $$$ to pay for a decent burial), he probably would be alive today.

Sad fucking story...I hope Cam has the nuts to say something in his favor.

I don't know why, but right now Lauryn Hill's "Lost Ones" is playing in my head as I write this...

Cudi Hit The Nail...

...on the HEAD. Crazy how people IN the industry still can find issues with it...ummm...maybe because the music industry is as much of a corporate monster as any other corporation? Here's what he said:

**from Kid Cudi's BLOG**

AFTER THE RELEASE OF MY FIRST LP THIS SUMMER, IAM NOT MAKING ANY MORE
SOLO ALBUMS. IAM FALLIN BACK ON BEING A ARTIST. THE DRAMA THAT COMES
WITH IT IS MORE OVERWHELMING THAN THE SHIT I WAS DEALING WIT WHEN I WAS
PISS POOR BROKE. MY FRIENDS GET MAD AT ME, SAY IVE CHANGED, ONE OF THE
ONLY HOMIES I GOT IN THIS GAME, WALE, IS WORRIED ABOUT ME CUZ OF SHIT
HE HEARS. LIKE WTF? WHO CAN SAY IM BEIN HOLLYWOOD? IM NOT AROUND ANYONE
BUT PLAIN PAT AND EMILE. WHO CAN SAY THAT SHIT? MUTHAFUCKAS TALKIN SHIT
HERE AND THERE, SPREADIN RUMORS, MAKIN JOKES, TRYNA JUDGE ME, AND FOR
WHAT? DOES MY MUSIC POKE FUN AT OTHERS? DO I TALK SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE N
MY MUSIC? I ALREADY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL ONCE, AND GOT EXPELLED CUZ IT
WASNT FOR ME. IMA DROP OUT THIS SHIT BEFORE NIGGAZ TRY AND CRUCIFY ME.

I DONT LOOK AT IT AS QUITTING, FOR I HAVE ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED MY
GOAL. I HAVE A SOLID FANBASE WHO TRUELY APPRECIATES ME AND MY MESSAGES
THRU SONG, I GOT MULTIPLE BIG RECORDS, I HAVE RECIEVED WORLDWIDE
CRITICAL ACCLAIM FROM THE BIGGEST TASTEMAKERS IN THE GAME, 3 FAN MADE
BEST OF MIXTAPES WITHOUT EVEN RELEASING MORE THAN ONE MIXTAPE AND NOT
EVEN RELEASING A ALBUM, I CAN PAY MY MOMS MORTGAGE AND HELP MY SISTER
WITH MY NIECE AND HOLD MY BROTHERS DOWN WITH WUTEVER THEY NEED. THATS
WUT I GOT IN THIS GAME FOR, TO ACCOMPLISH ALL THESE GOALS AND I HAVE.
NO REGRETS
IM SORRY TO THE FANS, IM SO SORRY YALL. I KNO U GUYS WILL ALL HATE
ME, BUT REMEMBER, IM JUS A REGULAR DUDE WHO WAS GIVEN A AMAZING GIFT,
AND NOW WITH THAT AMAZING GIFT CAME MORE UNCALLED FOR PROBLEMS THAN THE
AVERAGE HUMAN BEING SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

AGAIN, IAM SORRY, BUT ITS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP ME FROM GOING COMPLETELY
INSANE. IM TOO REAL FOR THIS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SHIT. BAK TO THE MOON
I GO
^
^
^
My response:

On some real shit, I kinda feel Cudi right now.

The labels and industries have taken Hip-Hop music as a brand and
have tried to curb it and mold it in a fashion that is against it’s own
foundation. Hip-Hop was built to DEFY the rules, not to co-exist with
them to the point of building a caste system within itself.

Cudi is probably dealing with what most new (and good) artists have
to deal with - and that’s not having a life of your own for awhile.
Having to show up and perform at shows or unscheduled meetings at the
drop of a hat can be physically and emotionally taxing. Especially when
alot of these decisions aren’t necessarily made by YOU but more so your
manager, publicist, etc.

The life of an artist is not just “make that music, make that
money”. It’s the little things that push and pull you along the
way…family…temptation…loyalty…things that can make you and break you if
you don’t stay focused.

I feel him on the industry thing, only because as an upcoming artist
myself - I see the industry for what it is. There’s no REAL room for
creativity and self-expression unless it’s in accordance to what
THEY’RE trying to portray. If you don’t come out swinging with a “hit”,
you’re AUTOMATICALLY shelved and unheard from.

New artists who are actually TALENTED don’t get to see the light of
day because they didn’t make a “ringtone friendly” song, or didn’t
generate enough internet buzz. Producer’s who don’t sound like Polow Da
Don or rappers who don’t rap and dance like Soulja Boy get immediately
labeled as UNDERGROUND.
Is that really what HIP-HOP is? Because I remember being a kid in
the late 80’s - early 90’s, and it seemed alot REALER than this.

My point? HIP-HOP is NOT dead, but it’s having an identity crisis.

So many new artists are trying to emulate the next best thing
because they know this is what will do numbers. They also know this is
what the labels are looking for as well, so are they wrong? I’m sure
HIP-HOP would be alot more diverse and less repetitive if we had more
Cudi’s out there who stood on their own two feet about how they feel
about the the industry robot. More people who actually respected
HIP-HOP as an ART FORM and not just a “get-rich quick” scheme…

…yet, something tells me that in the day and age we live in, this
cycle will continue to perpetuate itself and Kid Cudi will be phased
out by this time next year by the next Lil’ Kid So and So who’s made
that dope single for everyone to bump to. I guess the real lesson here
is don’t bite the hand that feeds you? Hmmm…

…or better yet? Is being REAL to who you are an what you stand for
worth potentially throwing away all that you’ve dreamed of? Hmmm…more
things to paander…

-H

Fuck! My old Blog is GONE!

Man, this is gay.

The fudge-packers over @ Journalspace.com (a old school blogger site I used to drop science on around 2002-2004) just like, DELETED mad blogs in attempt to make space (i guess) and guess who's blog was on the chopping block?

That SUCKS. I rarely read it now, but I always thought it'd be some sort of time capsule for me. Hmm...does that mean that this one has an expiration date on it as well? Fuck...

Man, this DangerDoom song has been stuck in my head the whole weekend! I barely give ANY producer props (Madlib & J Dilla excluded), but Danger Mouse BLACKED on this beat. It's in my playlist on the right side of my blog..."Social Distortion" is the name of it.

Sheree and I are back on our youth shit. LOL - like in a very funny, cool and relaxed kinda way. She has this cool new "scene" haircut that makes her look like the crazy EmoSoul chick I've always yearned for. Valentine's Day was nice - I'll blog about that in a few.

We got to chill @ Isaac's (LOL - well Isaac and The Gang's) crib, and I was VERY thrilled and relieved to see Ingrid & Sheree getting along so well. Without the tension in the air, I feel alot less guilty going over there without her.

Ree copped the FADER mag with Charles (Charles Hamilton) on the cover - they got this dude SHININ'!! I'm ULTRA proud to be in the company of such creative excellence, and I'm REALLY glad that dude reaches out still! We chat on the phone like he still lives in harlem, and is a block away with a bag of the trees. I applaud ANYONE who breaks in the industry, yet still makes time for the people who care.

Anywhoo - bout to cop the Dutch to engage in the daily habit. I mean - SERIOUSLY. I've realized that since I've lost my job, there has probably been a WEEK (in total) in which I haven't smoked weed. 7 days. That's fuckin sad...but you know...at least it's not Heroin. I was watchin Oprah while in line to pay the phone bill (oddly crowded today, BTW) and apparently Ohio has a REAL bad Heroin problem...GOOD.

YEAH, I SAID IT.

People need to get it through their naive and fucked-up racist heads that this shit does NOT just happen to ghettos and black communities. This drug epidemic is fucking up the most rural and surburban communities in America. Meth, Heroin, Oxy, Pills...that's that WHITE people shit. Never would you EVER see H with some H in his arm...

...Roll that blunt, tho. ;)

-H