I'm at a point in my life where my back is against the wall. I've spend so much time wandering, not knowing where I'm going or why im even walking in that direction. It's time for this to end.
I need to get back to focusing my energy towards other things, towards other sources of energy. My life force has been pulled in so many directions that I don't even know the name of the path I was once destined to walk down. Success? Happiness? Money? These are all things I had at one point that have, much like everything else in my life, slipped through my fingers. No longer. I will now take control of this destiny and not allow those close to me, far from me and right in front of my face to shape my destiny for me.
I've asked all of the others for advice not realizing that they too do not hold the answers - they are merely relating their own shadows of misfortune to mine. I do not wish to appear "depressed" for I am not - I just feel a great weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if the blinders are being pulled from my eyes and I no longer have to suffer from tunnel vision. If I wish to make something of myself in this society we live in, I will have to assume responsiblity for my own actions and stop allowing myself to be pampered and comfortable with my current setting.
I am TIRED of others looking to me as a model of perfect achievement, for I merely exist. I get by through the assistance of my family and I get high to elude the reality of things not being half of what they seem. There was a time where I could allow this recreational lifestyle to continue, however my time is now up. I am 24, living with my grandmother, unemployed and not enrolled in school. On the outside looking in, I have NOTHING going for me. However, I am no different from you - I just do not allow life's strains and constraints to keep me from shining and being as flourescent as I will always be. Things tend to roll off of me, but not this. This is becoming too regular...too often am I chastized for not being enough of a man - yet I'm looked upon as an angel. I put my faith in God and he has yet to let me down, so with him my faith shall remain. I only pray that he give me the strength to perservere so that I may prove all of my doubters wrong.
This future is MINE to command, and command it I shall.
No more talking now, only movement. Silence is GOLDEN.
