Silent Nomad.

I'm at a point in my life where my back is against the wall. I've spend so much time wandering, not knowing where I'm going or why im even walking in that direction. It's time for this to end.

I need to get back to focusing my energy towards other things, towards other sources of energy. My life force has been pulled in so many directions that I don't even know the name of the path I was once destined to walk down. Success? Happiness? Money? These are all things I had at one point that have, much like everything else in my life, slipped through my fingers. No longer. I will now take control of this destiny and not allow those close to me, far from me and right in front of my face to shape my destiny for me.

I've asked all of the others for advice not realizing that they too do not hold the answers - they are merely relating their own shadows of misfortune to mine. I do not wish to appear "depressed" for I am not - I just feel a great weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if the blinders are being pulled from my eyes and I no longer have to suffer from tunnel vision. If I wish to make something of myself in this society we live in, I will have to assume responsiblity for my own actions and stop allowing myself to be pampered and comfortable with my current setting.

I am TIRED of others looking to me as a model of perfect achievement, for I merely exist. I get by through the assistance of my family and I get high to elude the reality of things not being half of what they seem. There was a time where I could allow this recreational lifestyle to continue, however my time is now up. I am 24, living with my grandmother, unemployed and not enrolled in school. On the outside looking in, I have NOTHING going for me. However, I am no different from you - I just do not allow life's strains and constraints to keep me from shining and being as flourescent as I will always be. Things tend to roll off of me, but not this. This is becoming too regular...too often am I chastized for not being enough of a man - yet I'm looked upon as an angel. I put my faith in God and he has yet to let me down, so with him my faith shall remain. I only pray that he give me the strength to perservere so that I may prove all of my doubters wrong.

This future is MINE to command, and command it I shall.

No more talking now, only movement. Silence is GOLDEN.

Secret Crush: Leah Remini

Yeah, yeah - I know she's married...but so am I. She's still frickin' HOT tho.

Catch Up, Katsup.

Hey, you. It's been awhile. How YOU doin'? LOL - I admire Wendy Williams.

It's about 4:45am here @ Ree-Ree's and I'm awake watching Koyaanisqatsi (I love this movie, I should watch it waaaaay more) on YouTube this Monday morning.

Ahhh. Monday morning. I draw in a big whiff of the fresh air knowing that I will gladly be inserting my foot in someone's rectum if I am not paid tomorrow or given a plausable explanation as to why my last two checks were "direct deposited" without my acknowledgement or consent.

Oh yeah, BTW - I got a JOB if you didn't notice. Another goal scratched off of the "goals" list.

I now work at an alcohol warehouse called Empire Merchants based in Brooklyn. It's a bit of a trek and being that I'm a Night Loader, I work during the late night hours. There are days when I punch in at 6:30pm and don't leave until 9:30 the next morning. The work is REAL labor (lifting boxes, carrying wooden palletes, etc) but it's quite rewarding. The people I work with are real cool, manly folks who would rather encourage you to stick it out (pause) and finish your job out completely rather than throwing in the towel, but that doesn't mean that this job isn't competitive in nature.

The workers that are lazy and slow and that complain usually don't last long, and being that the company operates on an "as they need you" basis, you're not always guaranteed to work. You have a quota of cases to finish by the end of your shift and if your co-workers in your lane choose to leave early, you are then stuck doing the bulk of the work. However, this is one of the BEST jobs I've EVER been fortunate to have and it's helping my progression in a lot of areas in my life. It can be physically straining at times, but that physical strain has only helped me realize how much I've been physically stagnant over the years and how now is the perfect time in my life to start training my body to be healthier, stronger and overall better.

Thank you Kesed, for putting me on to such a DOPE opportunity, as well as opening my eyes about alot of life's lessons - mainly on accepting responsiblity and living your life working to achieve comfortablity within your own excellence. That dude Kesed is a WISE dude - kind of the diamond in the rough that just kinda floated right by me at first, but with a second glance I've realized how complex and intuitive he really is. Thank you for seeing the talent in me and not putting me in the "mindless money-hungry nigga" box.

*sigh* What else...what else...well, I'm 24 years old now, and while I have damn near another quarter of a century left before I'm "over the hill", I will say that the hill is in eye range. It's crazy but until now, I didn't really feel old. I ran away from responsiblity and maturity for so much of my adolescent and early-adult years that my fading youth kinda just snuck up on me. All the "DAMN! You gettin' OLD!" and "Ohh lawd! Josh isn't our little baby anymore..." remarks don't really help, either. I can't jump around obstacles and hop over ledges and fences like I used to and when I do something strenuous or physically out of my range, I feel it ALL-OVER. Even skating (which I'm back into heavily now that I've got myself a NEW SKATEBOARD - my first Element deck, baby - whoooooo!) It might be the job that's wearing on my body, but it's also buiding me up alot - lookin' all buff and stuff helps my confidence as well as my self-esteem.

Didn't do too much for the birthday this year, just had some fun out on the town with Ree and the boys (Frank and Z). My mom is up here visiting until August, so we've been hanging out alot together. I'm glad my mother sees me as the child she raised so well morally as well as the adult with the ability to live my life prosperously on my own. My grandmother will ALWAYS have this preconcieved notion that I am still her prepubescent grandson who she must shield from any harm, but I know this is only because she loves me so much. Love you too, gramma.

What else, what else...OH YEAHHH!! WE GOT A KITTY!! *jumps* Yes, yes, yes...after a good three weeks trying to secure the kitten with us (the owner didn't want to let her go - I don't blame him, the kitten is ADORABLE) the owner finally turned her over to us so we could welcome her into our home. She is an IRRESITABLE orange tabby named Blanket (in honor of MJ - I know I haven't talked about his passing yet, but I will) and she has taken to us and her new home VERY well. It will be almost a week since she's been here, but she already knows her way around the house, knows where her litter box is and uses it and is just overall a really smart and intuitive cat (wow - guess that's my word for the night...INTUITIVE...). 

MJ. Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. Whatever you want to call him, Michael Jackson was an anomaly which we will never completely have the innocence and purity to understand. This is not to say that Michael was completely pure and angelic, no. Yet, it was his perfect balance and equalities and inequalites, perfections and imperfections that made him such an unmatchable force. When I heard the news of his passing, I thought a co-worker was playing a cruel joke. Before I had left the house that afternoon I was listening to the radio, and Wendy Williams was referring to someone (i couldn't hear the name) in cardiac arrest and possibly in a coma, and I just left the house saying to myself "Damn, these celebs are dropping FAST. I hope whoever it is they'll be okay..." and I left the house without even a thought that it could be Michael Jackson or that Michael had possibly been on his way out of this plane of existence.

After the idiot joker at my job (he says "I heard your cousin died and you cried." referring to MJ - SMH @ lame Italian humor) says this, again - I shake it off like, "Nah. This is just rumors. There's always some new bullshit out there. Maybe they got it confused with Farrah Fawcett." I was already sad that Farrah was gone, but (sad to say) it was only a matter of time with her. We knew she was in a battle with cancer, and that's a battle that most don't win. It was just holding on to a fleeting hope and a dream of a beautiful exit at that point. I'm sorry she and her guyfriend didn't get married like they had hoped to, but I guess it wasn't supposed to work that way.

I got to work that night and as the night went on, nothing but Michael was played on each station. It was then where it started to sink in for me. Michael is...dead...? Damn. This ain't real...that's all I kept telling myself...this ain't real, this ain't real...

My shift ended and Kesed and I walked to the L train, but stopped in a store on the way there to pick up the paper and get their coverage of the story. I still was skeptical inside, almost like I wanted it to be a bad dream and me not seeing him on the cover would be like me waking up from it. Then I read headline of the Daily News only to see the words "KING OF POP DEAD" in bold, white letters - placed upon a background of a glitter-gloved Michael reaching up towards the sky while singing his heart out. It was at that moment where I finally accepted that he was truly gone.

I spent the next few days immersed in the media coverage as well as sinking in the disbelief that he was dead. My mind had quickly gone to tribute mode, because that was a form of healing for me. While sleeping, I had come up with the idea of making an MJ stencil where I would paint his image all over town, specifically this blue wooden wall adjacent to The Apollo. I wanted to fill the whole wall with replicates of the stencil, but hadn't even come up with the design yet. I was up and at work early for some reason (I had gotten to work on the stencil as soon as I woke up), and had first had the idea of making a stencil with Michael's face as a child. However, the more I looked at it , the more the idea didn't stick with me. I scoured the net looking for MJ images and came across one with him in his "Smooth Criminal" get-up, caught in mid-lean as done in the infamous video for "Smooth Criminal". I studied it a few times, played with it in Photoshop until I got it monochrome and then stepped away from it. Yup. This is it. This is the one. I had said that out loud and my mom (who was sitting nearby watching the news) agreed. "Yeaaaah...now THAT'S the one, Josh..."

Focused and dead-set on making this happen, I called Ree and Z to ask for their assistance in the project. I printed the image at Ree's house, cut the first stencil there, then after purchasing one can of flat white Touch & Tone spray paint, traveled to the blue wall near the Apollo to start my work. I was supposed to be on my way back to the house to meet up with my mom the see our cousin Pat, but this project was calling out to me. I felt the unresistable urge to start and complete this project, so I just went with it. My mom wasn't too happy at first that I was ditching our original plans, but I couldn't deal with that then. I was focused and determined to get started and that I did, setting the stencil up against the board and starting to paint.

Now, there was already a decent gathering of people outside of the Apollo at this time, but I didn't want to make much of a scene by doing this because I wasn't sure what the cops would say. Well, I didn't need to make a scene, because the scene came to me...I'd say after the 2nd stencil was on the wall, about 3 different photographers rushed me and started taking pictures of me painting the stencil on the wall. I felt so happy seeing them there because I knew my heart was in the right place with this one. More people started to gather and I could hear them behind me saying "WOW - now THAT's dope..." and "Is that Michael Jackson? WOW - what a GREAT work of art...". By the 8 or 9th stencil the stencil had become damp and useless (it was only on one sheet of paper - printer paper no less), and I had ran to get started on another one to finish my work.

It started POURING (and when I say pouring, I mean the sky had about a trillion Super Soakers aimed at the earth) so we rushed inside a nearby Manna's where they were playing "Thriller" and watched the storm come down. It was an eerily fitting soundtrack to the storm which just seemed to grow ever more fierce (I think I saw some HAIL? hmmm). By the time the storm calmed, we used that break to run back to the house and get started on the next stencil.

While at home working on the next stencil to use, I was listening to radio play Michael's hits as well as interviews with fans at various locations paying homage to Michael and his legacy. The radio show host had them play an interview with a fan at the Apollo who said some really touching words about Michael and who had begun to weep while she was speaking, and it was at that very moment when it TRULY hit me. I hadn't cried the whole day and a half after hearing Michael had passed away, but just hearing the sound of her voice explan how much Michael meant to her as she cried was enough to break down that inner-wall I had created, telling myself I couldn't or wouldn't cry anymore - and I started to sob uncontrollably.

All of the emotions of how I felt when listening to his music or watching him perform, seeing him deal with all of the media's disgusting accusations and portrayal of his character and how he didn't give in to any of it just rushed over me in that moment. It was then that I realized that the world had not just lost another celebrity; we had lost on of the most wonderful humanitarians and performers to ever grace the world with his prescence. I cried and cried, partially sad for the loss, but more happy that he was now where he belonged and thankful for all that he did and acomplished while he was here with us. I hadn't cried in what seemed like years, so for his death to invoke such emotion from me was a release I had needed for a long time. I had felt as if I just lost someone close to me and someone I knew well. I didn't feel as if some celebrity had just died, or that "it was just his time", because to me, it wasn't.

I wasn't ready for him to leave us, just like most of the world wasn't. We looked at Michael Jackson as something MORE than human, a being that was untouchable by death and unscathable by slander. However, Michael was just as human as any of us and it took his death for us to understand that he wasn't a god or an angel so to speak, he just was himself so well and so purely that we built him up to be more than what he was. Which is also why the media was so quick to tear him down, because they couldn't fathom the notion that he could be "human" and be so perfect with his imperfections. I cried so much because Michael was one of the few people left that I admired for just living thier life selflessly for others as well as himself. He used his powers for good and never sold out for a paycheck. His music not only brought people together, but it laid the groundwork for people to want to achieve more. The first multi-platinum selling record, the first fully-choreographed video, his life-changing messages in his music - all these are his staples of pushing the envelope and being real behind everything he did.

It's getting late (early? LOL) and I'm beginning to get tired, so I'll end this entry on that note. Michael Jackson was the BEST to EVER do what he's done and there will NEVER be another like him. I'll catch up with you kittens in the later hours...

-H

Get Wild, Wild, Wild!

I dunno...I love Dilla with all my heart, but it's hard to choose sides on this one.

All I can say is that - yes. Better avenues should've been taken on this. Dilla would never produce my LP from the grave, but I believe in being INFLUENCED by him.

*ahem*

INFLUENCED.

If you've known Charles as long (or as short? - no homo) as I have, you just come to expect all of these cosmic, otherworldy, sonic/sun-ra-ish ideas he can come up with. He's a mainiac-brainiac rapper cat who is just assured in the style of living he's created. No one can "bust his pink bubble" so to speak, because there's no pink bubble there. So - I say let him believe that a vinyl element added to his sound is an "influence" from J Dilla. Of course - in all eyes of the law this does not constitute J Dilla inhibiting a 'Executive Producer' slot on CH's album. He knows this - he just wanted to test how far he could let you in his "pink bubble" - BZZZT!!

Charles Hamilton - that sir, is where you messed up.

Humble thine self! I speak through the blog because even as a human being in the flesh on this earth I cannot communicate to you through speech. You are too far gone. Don't allow fear to allude you from being a humble individual! It works!

*sigh* I love Dilla. I won't say I always did, because a large part of my life I didn't know dude. But I knew that sound and loved that sound - and if you're trying to say that by giving him props on your album, cool. Just go about it a better way. Don't trap yourself in a corner with lies, it's NOT a good look.

J Dilla: Beat Savior

Call me old-fashioned I guess, but nothing is better to me than coolin' out on an weekend afternoon, smokin' a blunt and listening to Dilla beats. I have my reserved theories when it comes to religion and whatnot, so I won't bother bending your mind with those. (if your one of those religious freaks that can't quite handle a transcendual comparison please stop reading this) However - while listening to some Dilla joints this afternoon, I was feeling regretful that I never once got to meet the dude, but it still seems as if I've known him my whole life.

Then it hit me.

J Dilla was Hip-Hop's Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ was supposedly a carpenter who just happened to make miracles, right? Constantly building and constantly teaching others to enjoy life for what it is, not what the kings and queens were trying to make of it...he was an social outcast, yet appreciated by the few who truly understood his message and purpose. Alas, like Dilla - his work was only fully appreciated after his tragic (and early) death.

I feel as if Dilla had to bear the cross when it came to Hip-Hop (real hip-hop, yall), because his style wasn't always accepted...especially not through mainstream. This is the same bullshit any REAL artist would have to deal with, because the mainstream controls so much of where you go and how many people are exposed to your talents. Mainstream even then had the audacity to finally bend towards Dilla's sound, but chose not to give him any credit WHATSOEVER. It wasn't until he was reunited with the earth that people started realizing the body of work he left behind and how he had NEVER stopped working, even until his last days on earth - making beats in ICU, on his death bed.

It's always the great ones who go unnoticed, but is it because we choose not to notice their greatness - or is it because we have taught ourselves to be completely oblivious to all that is great, so that when a miracle occurs its seems almost unbelievable? Dilla didn't just create music - he created miracles. Soul-shaking, heart-taking, spirit-captivating miracles. I will NEVER be able to do what Dilla has done, all I can do is learn from what he has given me - something I had in my soul my whole childhood, from the day I was born.

It's a shame I came up on Dilla so late, because I liked Dilla's stuff before I even knew who Dilla was - that's how much of an impact on my life his music made. I had been hearing Dilla my WHOLE LIFE and didn't even know it. The same vibe, the same swing you get when you hear a Dilla joint - that vibe has been in my bloodstream my whole life...

...so to me, Dilla is like a brother I never knew, or very similar to Jesus in alot of ways. Here today, gone tomorrow - but they live on forever through the lessons they've left for us. I guess it's up me and the folks who actually care out there to progress and move forward - to do what we love so that we may too leave something behind worthwhile for the future generations to appreciate.

Dilla, I'll meet you someday.
And when I do - I'm twistin' one up while you're diggin' in the crates.
(can you believe Madlib and Jay once had a 30 blunt cypher? craaaaazy...)

-H

PS: Totally off topic, but Cam'ron's new album is kinda dope. Like REALLY dope. Harlem, all day. ;)

Artists I'd Like To Work With (Here and Posthumous)

Since this topic always takes a "Fantasy Football" approach, I figured I'd give it a whirl accompanied with a slight explanation for each collaboration.

J-Dilla (obvious reasons; it would be more of a learning session on my end tho)
Madlib (blunted in the bomb shelter; crate diggin; b2b DJing)
Busta Rhymes (lyricist; old-school; pure energy; realist)
Chrisette Michelle (modern day Billie Holiday; fly; soulful)
Kanye West (idealist; thinker; natural genius; acts on emotion)
Common (realist; old-school; resemblance (?))
Ol' Dirty Bastard (spirited; unique; good-natured; lyricist; wild)
Eminem (talented; lyricist; realist; crazy; limitless)
Flying Lotus (adviser; kindred affection for video games; b2b DJing)
MF Doom (blaze trees; adviser; crate diggin')
Danger Mouse (funky; limitless; b2b DJing; crate-diggin)
Jamiroquai (funky; soulful; expressive; blunted; preserver)
Kurt Cobain (leader of expression; acts on emotion; idealist)
Dibiase (beatsmith; crate diggin')
Black Milk (beatsmith; b2b DJing; crate diggin)
Fatboy Slim (adviser; b2b DJing; crate-diggin)
Georgia Anne Muldrow (spacey; afro-centric; expressive; limitless)
Jill Scott (fly; good-natured; rooted; fun; inner-beauty)
Pharell (business minded; precise; fun yet efficient)
Nas (prophet; thinker; wordsmith; purist)
Slick Rick (dope; lyricist; character; realist)
Q-Tip (realist; lyricist; humble; multi-talented)
Christopher Wallace (lyricist; realist; adviser)
9th Wonder (beatsmith; adviser; old-school; b2b DJing)
James Brown (innovator; soul-power; selfless)
DJ Shadow (innovator; true-artistry)
Liam Howlett (multi-talented; advisor; b2b DJing)
Styles P (old school; realist; hardest out)

That's all I can come up with right now. I'm sure I'll be adding more as time goes on.

MajesticallyModest.

Humility is such a difficult virtue to obtain, yet it is one of the most valuable treasures life has to offer.

This world turns ever so fast.
Haven’t posted in a few, only because so much has been going on. What exactly? Too much to sit here and write about right now, so I’ll just go into what I logged on here to rant about.

I love how the truth is coming to light now that “industry” artists are now outing the industry for what it is.

SHADY!

The SAME industry everyone wants me to break ground in, the same industry that cuts the big checks and makes all the decisions regarding YOUR future as an artist on THEIR label. Basically, I’ve come to the decision that while I would have no trouble producing a track for a major label artist, I myself won’t be signing ANY papers to join a major label. I enjoy the freedom and versatility that comes with being an indie artist so much that I can’t ever see myself giving that up for the mental and creative “shackles” that would accompany a few extra zeroes.
I wish I could help my family and friends see that point clearer, but the only way I can truly accomplish this goal is by making it as an independent artist and living truly happy.

The thing these record label execs have to realize about me (and I’m sure I’ll make it abundantly clear once I get in the position to do so) is that I am a man of simple pleasures and hospitality. All I need is a home (not a HOUSE – but a home) and my own space to make music/perform, and it would be all I ever ask for. With the revenue my music would generate, I would do things like create beat making seminars and DJ lessons/sessions so that teens and aspiring musicians could learn how to make music and truly find their own sound. I was making music before I learned how to DJ, but when I actually started attending a DJ class – I found a home away from home. I would want to give BACK if anything – and as long as I have a constant supply of food, a stylish way to get around (never would I blow more than $100,000 on a car) and a roof over my head, I’m GOOD.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m sure I’ll be quite content with releasing an LP on a Stones Throw or Nature Sounds type of label. Yes, I know this limits the audience that is exposed to my work – but I kind of like it that way. When I first heard of Dilla, MF Doom and Madlib – I had to FIND them, but I had heard their style of music all my life. This special sound that you identify with that (as an artist) makes you say to yourself “Yes. This is what I’ve been looking for my whole life. This is the music I WISH I could make”. That’s the same feeling I hope to reciprocate in others when listening to my music. I feel as if I would be watering myself down if I aspired to be the “Next Hit” maker or if I attempted to tailor my sound to meet a generalized standard. Not my style at all.

Anywhoo, life has been good and busy. Spending a lot more time with my girlfriend (quality time at that) and it’s causing me to reconsider the fashion in which I live. I am nearing twenty four years of existence on this plane, and wifey is nearing twenty three. We love our family and most importantly we care about the family we live with dearly. However, as our relationship progresses and as time goes on (we’ll be TWO years on July 14th! WHOOOOOOO!) I’ve begun to re-evaluate our current living situation.

A little monkey (yes – not a monkey wrench, but the whole monkey) has been thrown in the “comfortable” gears that is my life at home, and that monkey is none other than my mom. Hah! I know, right? That’s fucked up, H…but no, all jokes aside – my mom is coming up in June and I don’t know exactly when (or if) she’s going to bounce (damn - I should be looking forward to my mom coming up more earnestly. I miss her and my sis to death and I'm always excited to see her, I just know that with me being unemployed and constantly in and out of the house, we're going to be breathing down each other's neck).

Anyway – it’s already enough that my grandmother and I share a TV so when she wants to watch something, I’m usually making plans to be somewhere else – but now my MOM is coming up to stay (and possibly bringing my sister) and while I love my mom and my sis with ALL of my heart – ummm, I’m going to have to figure something out – FAST.

As much as I hate the workforce and ANY form of corporate labor, I feel this is my only exit strategy until something better comes along. I need to start looking at my future as something that is impending rather than I dream waiting to come true. I’ve spent almost a year being lazy and inactive as far as obtaining a new occupation is concerned, and with the economy in the state of disrepair that it is – I’m honestly scared to return to the workforce. Yet, in order to meet the personal and creative goals I have set for myself, I need to just bear down and bite the bullet on this one. Yeah, yeah – I’m an ARTIST – blah, blah, NATURAL TALENTS.

Yeah. Wish I could get an apartment with just talent.

The day they start givin’ away these $2,000 a month condos based on how well you can make a beat, sign me the fuck up. Until then, I guess I’ll keep being a optimistic dreamer in an modest reality.

-H