Well, my heart is gluping and my mind is trying to convince me from steering down the dark chasm at the end of my life. It's like i know where I'm going is a dead end, but it's a dead end that leads somewhere. Somewhere purhaps, where my heart isn't quite prepared to go - but my soul keeps pulling me.
Dearest Ree, I apologize for being the sex-crazed fiend you could never housebreak. I don't know why I'm so weird and so awful at sex, and I never thought I would drive you to the point where you wouldn't enjoy sex or crave it. I'm sorry.
Don't blame the others - it was my mind warped so badly always. I watch gruesome and otherwise sick things and gain arousal from this imagery. My heart craves to be outside of the norm so much sometimes that I can't control it. Curiosity is also a vice that I have difficulty controlling.
If I was a juvenile boyfriend, I apologize for that as well. My graffiti expeditions should be over, yet alas - they are not. This is the hardest addiction I've had to face, and the rebellous spirit of my expression keeps excusing the juvenile nature of this sport.
To my soul, it's bigger than paint on a wall or a tunnel. It's the exploration of your existence somewhere where your have been told you cannot be. The soul-searching and bond that you have with the youth inside you and the thrill of existance. If my existence were to be cut short after this night, I would hope you have remorse upon my soul. I didn't die to make you sad or to hurt my family or intentionally hurt myself. This was a choice of my own to walk into a dark, risky and dangerous situation in order to fully grasp my purpose of being alive on this planet.
I wish I could just have it all - I wish my talents could shower all of the money and value the universe could bring, yet in this society - it is sometimes those with the most talent that are easily overlooked. Those that have had to struggle internally with what they are becoming and how far off it really is from what everyone wants you to become. My music started in a dark land and sometimes this is where my best work comes from. I never wanted to be a serious artist within visual art, yet i loved it all the same when i became an artist with sound. In the same vain, I took that dark shelter and lended it to the world of art - being involved with graffiti and vandalizm. It's a comfort zone.
I want you to have everything I own if I'm gone. My records, my beats, my equipment - EVERYTHING. You were always concerned YOU were dying, but sometimes I feel I'm dying on the inside. If I could have it my way, we'd be hippies - living free of any cares and enjoying the beauty that is nature. This world is not for us. I hope change really is coming though, and I hope to god this is just a precautious letter and that I my live to see another day. If I live to see tomorrow, I would like to go to church tomorrow. I need a soul cleansing, I need to see the value in my existance once again. God is everywhere, a mystical force that leads divine souls to his embrace.
...Sheree, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not calling for the last few days, I'm sorry for not listening and I'm sorry that this may very well be the end of everything we've worked hard for. I want to start this new life, but I cant turn the page confidently without putting my ugly past behind me. I hope to see you after this is all over.
-Josh
PS: I'll always love you Sheree. I love your mom, my mom, my grandma, my little sister, my dad, all my niggas (you know who you are), hip-hop, graffiti, the 80's, music, J Dilla and God. God, god, god. To the fullest. I believe in the watchful eye of Jesus Christ, and I accept him as my Lord and Savior.
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